The Lesson Plan

Spider-man 3 is a self-indulgent mess. As a film, it is aware of how big it is and knows that people will watch it regardless of how much crap you put in it. This movie looks good, but will be remembered as horrible.

When Spider-man 2 ended, it ended well. The only plot point left to be resolved was Harry Osborne’s discovery of Spider-man’s true identity and involvement in his father’s death. If I expected anything from Spider-man 3, it was to follow on that point in order to close the story.

Instead, Spider-man 3 attempts to do so many other things that it misses out on satisfactorily resolving that plot point. Instead, what we have is a movie that bows down to its fans — both of the comics and the movies — by squeezing in villain after villain, and wringing the life out of the Peter Parker and Mary Jane romance.

The movie is one giant nerdgasm (alternatively geekgasm) for those who love Spider-man. The action sequences are awesome and the visual effects are stellar; but you’ve come to expect that from movies of this genre. That this movie is at times nice to look at is no surprise. I have to tip my hat to the first encounter between Peter Parker and Harry Osborne. That was particularly well done but the movie could have ended with that. The ensuing battles with Sandman, and Sandman/Venom are underwhelming save for that final moment when he figures out how to beat Eddie Brock.

But was that moment even that good when all I could think of was, “Thank goodness this movie is almost over”?

I only notice the length of a movie when it is a bad one and for Spider-man 3, time just went on forever.

The film’s first hour is dizzying with the sheer number of elements and subplots that were supposed to interweave. The themes of forgiveness and redemption ran shallow across scenes of Peter turning to the dark side, the Sandman going all emo over his daughter, Harry Osborne’s horrible bout with amnesia, Mary Jane’s drama queen moments, and Eddie Brock’s one dimensional antagonism towards Peter Parker. The ending forced all of these elements to fit in. The resolution to all these angles felt very contrived and unreal.

For one, I hated the character of the Sandman. He was one dimensional and hollow, despite the writers’ efforts to give him depth. We established his motivation, sure. But from how he received his powers to how he ended up fighting Spider-man — none of it made sense. To me, Sandman was completely unnecessary and did completely nothing to advance the character of Spider-man. The fact that he was involved in killing Uncle Ben is another element force fed into the film. That bit was resolved in the first film!

On the other hand, I felt that the character of Eddie Brock could have been put to the forefront more. Perhaps, his character could have been more fleshed out. But as we have him now, he is just as hollow as the Sandman. His antagonism towards Parker is not more complex than a high school bully’s, and his transformation into Venom was simply a coincidence. And to top it all off, his alliance with the Sandman made the least sense of all with the two characters having virtually no interaction before their meeting. And yet Brock’s pitch would convince you otherwise. (Perhaps it was the symbiont talking? Wow. How ridiculously convenient.)

Next we have Harry Osborne. I have so many problems with this character and that can be figured out in the first hour. I just find amnesia as one of the biggest cop outs in storytelling, and its utilization in the film is simply horrible. It was too convenient and unreal. And the writers have just redefined ’short term memory’ to cover at least three years.

Then we have Mary Jane. Kirsten Dunst’s acting was just too uninspired and tired, and her role and story seems like a retread of too many Dawson’s Creek episodes and damsels in distress. It’s great that she wants out after this film. She should take everyone else with her.

And lastly, Peter Parker. This movie is all about him after all. As I watched the film, I tried to take everything in the context of this guy. I was looking at how each event and character contributed to the development of Peter Parker. I am sad to say that this movie doesn’t have much to go by when the character who contributed the most to Parker’s advancement is a pile of alien goo.

Parker was so well-developed in the second film and I know that this third is about putting him through his paces. I like that he has grown confident into the role of friendly, neighborhood web-slinger. It’s just that with characters so contrived and plots so forced — as I’ve outlined above — I didn’t find the conflicts in Parker’s life real, convincing and even necessary. Toby Maguire is a funny actor though, and that is the only highlight of the film.

So if you want to watch Spider-man 3, I advise you watch Spider-man 1, 2 and do the math. That will be a far more satisfying experience. But if you insist on watching this latest pile of alien goo, then by all means. Just don’t expect much, avoid thinking as much as I do, and ogle at the action sequences and special effects.

Spider-man, Spider-man. No other movie can rob you of money like Spider-man can.